


Hellfire

by kierathefangirl



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirate, Conquistador Spain (Hetalia), Cussing warning I guess?, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't usually do smut so bear with me, Italy brothers have a great dad, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Multi, Pirate AU, Some angst, Spain has 2 sisters and 3 brothers and is a pirate, a chapter with some smut, really dark backstories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:25:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15431979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl
Summary: Lovi was just searching for his flyaway hat...and got way more than he bargained for. His neighbor dead at the hands of a young conquistador, and his life in the hands of the teen's father. Is there any way for this situation to end well? ...Depends on how you define "well."





	1. I'm Not A Pirate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [personification_of_dawn_island](https://archiveofourown.org/users/personification_of_dawn_island/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Pirate's Lullaby](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/400491) by TeaPartyPoison. 



> Pirate!Spamano AU inspired by Anna's cover of Hellfire from Hunchback of Notre Dame (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uINqPnR1BNw) and TeaPartyPoison's "Pirate's Lullaby" (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6908350/1/Pirate-s-Lullaby).
> 
> I'm gifting this one to "personification_of_dawn_island", who left a comment on Beverly Hills Bordel about wanting something new with some more description. This story fits both...I hope you like this one!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His neighbor dead, and his life in the hands of a conquistador and his father and captain. This wasn't at all what Lovi bargained for when he lost his hat that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violence trigger warning. I've never actually been stabbed...I don't know what it's really like. This is my interpretation.

**_~Lovi~_ **

I’m up on a roof searching around for the hat the wind stole earlier, trying to find it in the dark of night when Feli is asleep and most people won’t notice me climbing roofs. Pirates are in town, which makes this whole thing more dangerous than it already is.

“Scurvy pirate!” the owner of the below building scrambles onto the roof after me. “I’ll have yer head! There’s a good price for pirate heads.”

_What? I’m not a pirate! Hey!_

I back away from him, up onto the edge of the roof. “Please,” I beg him, “I’m just a kid.”

“Even the kids is worth a mound of gold!”

_No, no, please no. Say something intelligent—say something, anything! Someone help me, please!_

There’s a crash on the other side of the metal roof, and an actual Spanish pirate—sorry, Spanish _conquistador_ —lands on the roof behind him. “Hey! Jackass!”

I move up the roof towards its triangular mountainous peak, away from the threatening blade. “Please” is all I can manage to say. I’m tired and frightened into silence.

The man lunges, and the sword plunges right between my diaphragm and my heart…praises be to whatever or whoever stopped him, the man misses killing me by hardly a millimeter.

I fall onto my hands and knees. The conquistador leaps on the man, plunging his own sword deep into the man. His aim doesn’t miss; blood gushes up out of the man’s mouth and his body goes limp. He brutally yanks the sword from his dead body and kicks him to roughly tumble from the roof.

The conquistador crosses the distance and gently picks me up. “It’s gonna be okay,” he says. “Don’t worry. You’re gonna be okay.”

He leaps over a couple roofs and drops to the ground, and not once does he jar me or cause any further pain or damage to my shock-numb limbs. He grabs the body and dumps him unceremoniously in the water, then runs onto the pirate ship and up to a tall man with a captain’s hat perched atop his messy brown hair. “Papá, por favor. Some idiot stabbed him.”

The Spaniard turns, and he sighs. “Antonio, you know what I’ve said about bringing strangers onto our ship.”

“Please,” Antonio answers. He kneels down, lays me on my side. “He’ll die. The guy assumed he was one of us—this isn’t his fault.”

The man sighs and yanks the sword from my body. He doesn’t try to make it worse, but he doesn’t try and get it out gently either. A completely involuntary groan of pain slips from my lips, and blood washes onto the deck.

The man’s eyes soften with my pain in a vaguely familiar way I’ve only ever seen as a reaction by my big brother Sebastian. He kneels down and sighs. “Fine,” he says.

He lays a hand on my side, and with a burst of magic the cut shrinks then turns into a thin white scar. He cleans the blood off and gets up.

“Gracias,” Antonio says.

The teenage conquistador pulls me to him and hugs me. “I’m sorry,” he says.

I take a handful of his black-and-red coat in my hand. I’m too weak to hug him back.  “You don’t have to apologize…you saved my life.”

He laughs wheezily, like he’s sick or like there’s a hairball or a lump in his throat. “If we weren’t in town that man wouldn’t’ve stabbed you.”

“He’s paranoid,” I shake my head. “He’s almost stabbed me five times.”

“Oh,” he says.

I loop my arms around his waist and drag my weak body closer, slightly into his lap. He sits down and murmurs seemingly comforting things in Spanish, which is enough—despite me not knowing the language—to lull me to sleep.


	2. His Ship Is Leaving Port

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi chases down the ship before it leaves port and begs to go with the conquistador who saved his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING. Lovi discusses his backstory with Toni. Rape, abuse, you name it it's probably happened. We get more details later with Feli. Also, depression/possible suicide attempts.
> 
> Little bit of GerIta. I love GerIta, so don't take Lovi's tone wrong. He just wants his little brother to love /him/, too.

_**~Lovi~** _

He’s the first person to have ever cared for me besides my brothers, who are so busy they never have time for me: Sebastian is out on the sea somewhere, never home, and Feli is always fawning over his boy-crush Ludwig. My brothers have better things to do than worry over me.

Yes, I admit the fact that he’s a pirate is a bit put-offish, but he saved my life and he clearly cared that I was hurt. Plus, hey, maybe I’ll find Sebastian!

I slip on my coat in the faint morning light and make a break for it. His ship leaves port today, and I can see him on the docks talking to his father. He looks uneasy, maybe even worried.

“Papá,” I hear him say as I get closer, “I know, but he’s just a kid and he’s—”

He spots me and his eyes widen. “Dad, he’s back.”

“What do you mean he’s back?”

I slide onto the docks and skid over the wet dock right into Antonio. His arms wrap lightly around me, and the concern softening his emerald-and-gold eyes matches the worry from last night. “Hey,” he says gently, “you should go.”

He sounds a little regretful. I shake my head and gather handfuls of his shirt in trembling hands. “Take me with you. Nobody likes me except my brother, who’s always too busy to talk to me. I have nothing here to lose.”

His eyes widen and he looks to his father for answers. “Papá?”

“Can you fight?” the Spaniard asks.

I shrug. “Hand-to-hand. I never used swords or axes or anything.”

“Can you swim?”

“Barely.”

“Negotiate?”

“Easy.”

“Fine,” he says. He looks to his son. “He’s your responsibility. Don’t squander it.”

He heads up the plank onto the ship. Antonio’s eyes widen, but they also soften and gain warmth.

“I don’t even know your name,” he says quietly.

“My name is Lovino Romano Vargas. My brothers call me Lovi and my grandpa and Dad call me Romano or Roma; it doesn’t matter what you call me. Just get me out of here.”

He scoops me up bridal sweep and walks the plank onto the ship. Once we’re aboard the plank is withdrawn, and Toni slips belowdecks and into the nicest of the cabins. “Dad’s grumpy,” he tells me.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t like new people too much. He hardly gets along with anyone, even me. We butt heads sometimes, and he’s killed a couple of his crewmates and threatened more.”

He lays me down on the bed and closes the door, then slides down the door to the floor as if in defeat. Dark bruises purple the skin under his bloodshot green eyes, his lip is split, and his eyelids droop. He’s even swaying a bit.

“You look exhausted,” I tell him.

He shrugs. “I’m always tired. Pirates rarely respect you; you have to fight your way to the top—and oftentimes literally.”

I reach out. My fingers are barely able to strain out and capture the end of his sleeve. “Hey.”

He looks over, and his shoulders draw in a little. He looks vulnerable and scared, and a few tears cling to his medium-long eyelashes.

I roll onto the floor and crawl up to him. “Hey,” I say, and I take one of his hands in gentle fingers, “you look like you’re crying, Toni. What’s wrong?”

“Toni? I-I didn’t tell you to call me that.”

I shrug. “Rolls off the tongue easier than Antonio. Don’t change the subject.”

He drops his eyes. “I just…I’ve never had friends.”

“Ever?”

“No. I’ve always been with Dad, out on the sea. My brothers and sisters haven’t even really met me, and Mom hasn’t seen me since I was five, when I took to the sea. I like the sea, I love seeing the world. But nobody ever wants to be friends with a pirate, so I’ve always been alone.”

He says ‘ _pirate_ ’ bitterly, like it’s a curse upon all who bear the title. His voice breaks, too, and he actually starts to cry. And not just little tears you can hide, big baby tears that scream for help. _Lonely_ , I register blankly. _He feels lonely like me._

I reach out and capture him with my arms, and I draw him to me. “Y’know, I hadn’t slept in weeks. Before you came along.”

“Why not?”

I shiver. “My uncle.”

He shivers, too—he shivers his understanding. “Oh. That bad?”

“I’d venture to say he’s worse than a pirate, because on the sea you can swim away and possibly die. On land, you can’t run. Especially when he’s stronger than you—strong enough to pin you down and take whatever or whoever he wants.”

Toni really shudders this time. His arms slide around me lightly, as if he hadn’t the strength for more. “Death isn’t a good option,” he mumbles.

“Feels like it sometimes—why do you think I chased you down?”

He looks up. “I don’t know, honestly.”

“God, you’re oblivious.”

He laughs that wheezy laugh from last night. “Maybe I am. Care to enlighten me?”

I sigh exasperatedly. “Let me put it this way, even though it’ll sound like I’m complaining and it’s pretty bad: I made friends with some guy named Hayden. I’m gay and transgender, and when he found out…”

I shiver. “I met him when I was four—he found out when I was six. You know what he did?”

“No, what?”

“He beat me up, raped me, and left me for dead. He’s been doing that almost every night since, and so has my uncle. I’m to the point where death really does feel like a viable option. My big brother Sebastian is out somewhere on these seas, and he’s probably the only person who could stop them. Plus the fact that you literally saved my life, and you cared. Your eyes tell everything.”

Toni is quiet for a few minutes, and when he does speak his voice is breathless and a little angry. “Oh. Did they get away with it?”

I nod. “I tried telling the church, who declared me a fucking witch and told me to get off the holy ground. I tried telling Mom, but my uncle killed her before she could do anything about it. My dad is on the seas somewhere with Sebastian. I’m not gonna shatter my ten-year-old brother with that news, or risk them killing him too. They’ve still gotten away with it.”

“Oh.”

He blinks a bit. “Was he your only—”

“Only friend, yeah,” I override him. “And the only one I ever had, because I was pretty impressionable and gave up on humanity after that. Two  _ years  _ of friendship, and that’s enough for him.”

“Oh.”

He’s quiet for another few minutes. Then he breathes and hides his face in my shoulder, and his lips brush the side of my neck. “Nobody will ever hurt you like that again, I promise. I won’t let that happen—not on my watch.”

His grip tightens and his chest rises and falls with air. “Also I’m bi, so, y’know…you do you, man. Laws, churches, and idiots can’t trap you on the seas.”

I cough a weak laugh. “Yeah.”

Toni breathes, but now he gives in a little: “I’m tired, but if I admit that in front of the crew they’d take advantage of it. Weaknesses and all.”

“I won’t. I just think you need some sleep.”

He chuckles and kisses the side of my neck again. “Maybe I do.”

“That’s not a maybe, asshole. You do.”

He smiles into my shoulder. “Is that an order, Lovi?”

“Ye—did you just give me a new nickname?”

“Yes.”

“That’s—ugh. Whatever.”

He gets up and moves over to the bed, and he sets me down. “I’ll be next door,” he says, and he turns to leave.

“Hey,” I stop him in his tracks, “don’t be ridiculous.”

I catch his sleeve and back him up next to me. “Stay. I don’t bite.”

“It’s not you,” he mumbles. “I’m a fussy sleeper: I toss and turn.”

“So?”

“I’d probably hit you. I don’t wanna do that.”

“Ugh, whatever.”

I release his hand. He slips from the room, and I swear I hear him crying next door. I breathe, slip under the blankets, and close my eyes.


	3. Lovi’s Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dad can we please talk?"  
> "What about?"  
> "Lovi."  
> "Lovi?"  
> "That's his name."  
> "Oh. Why?"  
> "Because."  
> “You have to give me a straight answer,” Dad says, turning his eyes away.  
> “Dad he’s suicidal,” the words tumble from my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor trigger warning. Same as previous chapter; Toni is telling his dad. Also, sort of emotional neglect? IDK how to describe it exactly.
> 
> It isn't translated in the passage, but Toni has the thought "Mi pobre Lovi. Mi hermosa Lovi." This means "My poor Lovi. My handsome Lovi." for those of you who don't speak Spanish.

**_~Toni~_ **

Lovi. Mi pobre Lovi. Mi hermosa Lovi. The hell he’s been through! No one should have to go through that.

I get up, dry the tears, and check on Lovi. He’s asleep and safe. I slip onto the top deck and walk up to Dad, and I take his hand. “Papá, can we please talk?”

“What about?”

“Lovi.”

“Lovi?”

“That’s his name.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Because.”

“You have to give me a straight answer,” Dad says, turning his eyes away.

“Dad he’s suicidal,” the words tumble from my lips.

“What?”

He turns back around. I have his attention now. “I don’t wanna say it in front of everyone,” I mumble. “He told me why.”

Dad accepts my hand and draws me into the captain’s quarters. He closes the door and sits down. “What do you mean he’s suicidal?”

I breathe and close my eyes. “He’s gay and transgender. Let me explain what happened, it’ll help you make sense of it. He had a friend in Italy named Hayden.”

“So he did have friends?”

“Oh god no. He  _ had _ . I’m getting there. I’ll explain in a minute.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Alright, go on.”

“He met Hayden when he was four and they were friends for two whole years—but that all fell apart when Hayden discovered Lovi’s secret.”

“That he’s gay and trans,” Dad fills in.

I nod. “He beat him up, raped him, and left him for dead. He’s been doing that every night since.”

Dad’s eyes widen and he inhales sharply. I open my eyes and look out the window onto the sea for comfort. “His uncle’s been doing the same thing since I don’t know when. He told his mom, but his uncle killed her for confronting him. His dad and his big brother Sebastian are out on sea like us. His other brother is ten, and he’s worried if he tells they’ll kill him too. He told the church and they assumed he was okay with it and kicked him off the holy ground.”

I look to Dad now, but I know he’ll offer me no comfort. He’s not as empathetic, and he’s not empathic at all. I felt Lovi’s pain and fear. “After six years of this, he’s breaking. He started to look at death, in his words, as an actual viable option rather than a last resort. That’s why he wanted to come: because he wanted to get away from them, because I didn’t treat him like absolute shit, and because he hopes that maybe we can find his family. He wants his brother and he wants his freedom. I mean, is that too much to ask? But you’d think it was because his uncle and ex-friend treat it as such.”

Dad is quiet. I close my eyes again. “So he’s suicidal, abused, scared, and desperate. I got him to sleep, but he said when we healed him last night he hadn’t slept at all in weeks thanks to his uncle and Hayden. He got to sleep because he was safe, or at least mostly safe. He fell asleep because he could see that I cared.”

“So either they’re hurting him or he’s having night terrors,” Dad suggests.

I nod. “Probably, yeah.”

“Is he going to kill himself?”

I shake my head. “He has a sliver of hope now. He says his dad and brother would stop his uncle and ex-friend, and-or they’d keep him safe. He still called it an option, but he didn’t have any conviction. He’s not totally hopeless, just…he’s breaking.”

“Then we’ll get him to them,” Dad says, and he lightly hugs me. “We just need to know a direction to go. Kid deserves a break.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll ask him if he knows where they went or where they are.”

Dad ruffles my hair. “And hey, ’Tonio, cheer up. You look like you’re dying.”

I cough and manage a breathy laugh. “Kinda am. Empathic, remember? I felt that. He’s terrified, lonely, depressed…the only good emotion he feels is hope, and only in the tiniest increment. I can’t block him out because he’s screaming for help.”

“Ah.”

Dad hugs me again and kisses my cheek. “Breathe, son. He’ll be alright, I promise.”


	4. Which Direction To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni goes to ask Lovi which direction his brother went, and he ends up falling asleep because Lovi is hard to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni falls asleep...and is woken up with some smut. I've never really written smut so bear with me, and also I guess warning for people who get squirmy at those scenes (I was squirmy writing it).
> 
> "Svegliati" is just "wake up" in Italian. "Tesoro" is defined in next chapter while they're talking. ;)

**_~Toni~_ **

I sit down next to him and run my fingers through his hair. He’s a pretty deep sleeper, and no matter what I do he won’t wake up. Instead, I collapse next to him and wrap him up in gentle arms, and I try my best to pass some of my peacefulness to him so he can feel some peace at last.

I blink and it’s hours later, and Lovi is awake in my arms. I’m woken up by his lips touching my neck, my cheek, my nose, my eyes. I don’t respond or make any move revealing that I’m awake, because he’s the first person to be so affectionate with me. Even though he tried, Dad didn’t do much. I have a feeling if Lovi knew I was awake he’d stop.

“You’re a deep sleeper,” Lovi mutters. His arms wrap around me like angel wings, and he draws my body in until it touches his. I let him as if I’m deadweight, despite the fact that it makes my heart beat painfully fast against my sore ribcage like a broken war-drum. All the nerves and attraction and…

For a few minutes Lovi is still, but his breathing is shallow enough I know he’s awake. Eventually he sighs, the only warning before his soft and warm lips press to mine.

“Tesoro,” he mumbles in Italian. “Svegliati.”

I don’t answer, even though I really want to. If I answer he stops being sweet and adorable and goes back to calling me an asshole.

This time Lovi relaxes against me, and he sighs again. “Tesoro, per favore.”

I open my mouth just enough to yawn. Lovi takes advantage of this to kiss me again, a full-on dipping-tongue-in-mouth and enthusiastically-stealing-my-lips kiss.

I can’t fight it anymore, and my fingers slip up into his hair to hold him gently to me. Lovi’s grip tightens, and he utters a soft moan when my lips answer his. His hands slide down to my low back, and he pulls me in until every part of him is pressed against every part of me. The tiniest moan escapes my lips, and Lovi turns over slightly on top of me and pins me down with his hands. Expert lips track my jawline and my neck and my collarbone, while gentle hands slide onto my hips and hold me still. This is strange, and I half-wonder if Lovi’s drunk or high.

Lovi pulls back after a couple minutes, and victory twinkles in his eyes. “You’re entertaining.”

“You’re young,” I point out. “You drunk?”

He giggles. “No. You’re hard to wake up.”

I roll my eyes and look away. Lovi grins. “What happened to sleeping alone?”

I shrug weakly. “I tried to sleep, I talked a bit to Dad…I actually came here to talk to you and passed out accidentally; I must be more tired than I first thought.”

“Wha’d’you wanna talk about?”

I rub at my eyes a bit. “Do you know where they went?”

He blinks, then shrugs. “Away from Italy?”

“What if I tell you we’re west of Italy, heading towards the Pacific Ocean?”

He blinks, frowns thoughtfully for a minute, then sighs. “I’d recognize the ship if I saw it. I think they went west, but that’s about all I know.”

“We can work with that.”

His eyes widen. “What?”

“Dad wants to help you feel better,” I shrug. “I told him you were feeling pretty shitty.”

“How do you—”

“Because I’m empathic, and you’re practically screaming for help.”

“Oh.”

Lovi draws me back in for another gentle kiss. “You’re more gentle than I’m used to.”

“You’re a damn good kisser for your age,” I point out.

He grins slyly and doesn’t answer for a minute.

“Well, y’know…it may be shitty but I got some practice. I’m typically quiet, but you…” he chuckles. “you’re the loud one.”

I shrug meekly. “Yeah, well, I’m—”

I look away. Lovi laughs. “A virgin?”

I blink a couple times and look back. “A pleasure virgin, I guess.”

His eyebrows draw in a little. “Huh?”

I look away again. “This isn’t the first or even the second pirate ship I’ve been on. I was looking for my dad because the church burned my mom at the stake for being a witch and took in my brothers and sisters to ‘ _purify_ ’ them, and the priest was trying to rape them, and he did a few times with me. I managed to stop him; I clawed his eyes out with my mom’s old ruby-and-silver dagger and slit his throat. That’s the only time I’ve killed anyone. I spent almost nine years hitchhiking on ships, trying to find my dad. Mom always said he loved the ocean. I wanted to convince him to come home with me.”

Lovi blinks, and his eyes soften a little. “And the pirates on those ships…”

“Didn’t have any respect for me at all,” I finish. “I’m a pleasure virgin, but not a virgin. They were really rough—enough so to make me bleed.”

“Did you tell your dad when you found him?”

“Oh god no,” I shake my head. “But I did make it clear if anyone on his ship fucked with me I’d be leaping overboard and drowning, and Dad took me seriously. He told them he’d kill anyone who tried to hurt me, rape me, anything. He’s pretty tough and they respect him, so they left me alone. I’ve been on his ship for a couple months…I’m still a little sore at times.”

Lovi shivers. “My uncle was the rough one. Hayden was just inexperienced.”

I wrap my arms around him, just tight enough to hold him and not tight enough to pinch. “I think that’s something we have in common. I don’t even trust my dad at times—especially when he’s drunk.”

“I wouldn’t either,” he agrees. “Half the time my uncle was drunk, the other half he was horny and didn’t have enough money for a hooker.”

I cough a little. Lovi wraps gentle arms around me. “Look,” he says, “if the others mess with me, I’d kill them. I’m done letting it happen when I’m not okay with it.”

I close my eyes. “I don’t blame you, but that might piss Dad off.”

“Then so be it. I’ll jump overboard if I have to. I’ll find Sebastian if it’s the last thing I do.”

I peek at him. He kisses my cheek again. “The original point, though.”

I watch his mossy-green eyes turn from a raging bonfire to a campfire in the middle of winter-snowed Canada. “If it’s them, I’d kill them. But if you want anything…”

He kisses the eye that’s still closed. “Just ask. I’ll do anything you want.”

I steal a kiss, just one. “I don’t want to take advantage of—”

“Toni,” he stops me, “it’d only be taking advantage if I said no. I’m offering. Stop being a good guy for once and think about what you want.”

I blink a couple times. “I haven’t done that since I killed that priest.”

“Please,” Lovi mumbles.

I close my eyes and take his introspective advice. I mean, I want Lovi to be my friend, and I want him to like me, and I want him to be happy. But I can’t force that on him!

I open my eyes and release a slow breath. “I don’t wanna be selfish or force anything.”

Lovi kisses my forehead. “Neither do I. Tell me.”

I look away. “I want friends, I want people to like me, I want you to be happy.”

“You’ve already got two of those things,” Lovi tells me. “Once I have Sebastian, you’ll have the third too. It’s not that difficult to make me happy.”

I blink. “Then what do _you_ want?”

“I want my brother,” he says with a flash of a smile, “I want my papà…and I want you.”

_What?_

Lovi rolls a little on top of me again. “I want all of you, not just what the crew sees. I want to know you, I want to have you, I want to care about you. I want you to talk to me, but not because I force you to. I want all of you. Is that too much to ask?”

My heart turns from cracked ice to a puddle of warm goo. I turn over on top of him. “No, it’s not. I’m just a secretive person and generally don’t let people in.”

Lovi inhales sharply, and his eyes dilate a bit. His eyes stray the tiniest bit down from my eyes. “U-um,” he stammers, and for a minute he can’t find any words. Finally he speaks again, though: “So am I, but I told you about Hayden and I’m scared of him. I’ll talk if you talk. Just tell me the truth.”

He gets half a smile, half a real one. “Alright. It’s only fair if we both get what we want.”

Lovi breathes and strains a smile. “Then shut up and sleep with me.”


	5. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni wakes up feeling guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of smut warning?
> 
> "anything less than beautiful" scene is inspired by a scene from Pirate's Lullaby. I don't even remember what scene or what chapter, just that it clung to me and I couldn't get it out of my head so I used it.
> 
> Antonio really does mean "invaluable." Look it up if you don't believe me. I think it's adorable because "it fits." :)

**_~Toni~_ **

Guilt. I feel guilt. I feel guilt for enjoying Lovi, for taking everything from him, for letting him take everything from me. But I also feel relief and the faintest joy, because Lovi really does like me.

He told me everything, so I told him everything. We didn’t hold back the moans or the stories. I feel both better and worse. Lovi’s amazing in bed and I want him again, but I also feel horrible because even though he offered I feel like I did something wrong. He’s only twelve, after all.

Maybe I’m just overthinking everything. Maybe Lovi’s right and I should let loose and just take what I want for once in my life. Maybe he’s right.

Lovi let me take both his female and male virginity, too. That makes me feel worse, but at the same time everything that’s been pent up, all the anger and fear and frustration and overwhelming emotions and—it’s all gone. Lovi stole my body and all the daggers from my heart and my mind, all in one fell swoop. All in one night.

Lovi wakes me up with his right hand resting on my ass and his lips against mine. “Tesoro,” he mumbles. “Please wake up.”

I blink a bit and peek at him. “Mmm, what?”

He touches his lips to my neck. “Kiss me.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

I can’t believe I’m letting him boss me around. I’m older than him by two years!

I release a breath and reach over to kiss him. Lovi meets me halfway, and his hand moves onto my bare back. My right hand moves into his hair, and my left arm curls around his back. Lovi pulls me on top of him and moves his lips down my neck. “I want this,” Lovi says, and he means it with every ounce of conviction he has left in him. “I want to keep you forever. Is that alright?”

I steal his lips for a moment. “I think that’s something we can agree on, hermosa.”

“What’s that mean?”

“What’s tesoro mean?” I counter.

“Tesoro means sweetheart,” he mumbles.

“Beautiful,” I answer his question.

Lovi goes scarlet. “Beautiful?”

“You’re not cute or hot or anything less than beautiful,” I confirm. “Your body  _ and  _ your soul.”

Lovi smiles, and it reaches his eyes with a flicker of warmth and hope. “Your name suits you.”

“Huh?”

“Antonio means  _ invaluable _ .”

I blink. My family didn’t tell me that. “Oh. Does it really?”

“It does in Italy. It suits you.”

A shy smile tugs at my lips. “Awww, Lovi, gracias.”

“Prego,” he answers.

I kiss him briefly. “You want me to be honest?”

“Yeah,” he says without a moment’s hesitation.

“No matter how many times you tell me it’s okay I’ll still feel guilty for wanting you.”

Lovi laughs. “That’s what makes you such a wonderful person. It’s one of the reasons I like you. But I do mean it when I say I want all of you.”

“I want all of you, too, but that makes me feel bad.”

Lovi kisses me again. “Then shut up and kiss me, and let go of that guilt. You’re making me care about you, idiota. Stop fighting it and give me what we both want.”


	6. I See Sebastian's Ship!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi spots his brother's ship on the horizon and gets bouncy-excited. :) He really loves his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a time skip. It's mentioned in passing that "we've been together a month"... this is literal. They've actually been together a month at this point when they find the ship. The time skip just involved training and obviously them hanging out and chatting and stuff. The missed time will be referenced in future chapters.

**_~Lovi~_ **

“I see it on the horizon, I see it!”

“See what?” Toni asks groggily. We’ve been together for a month.

“His ship!”

I point it out. I’m jumping about like a child.

Toni follows the arrow I’m making and spots it too. “Are you sure?”

“I can see the Italian flag from here, and you see that jacket?”

“Vaguely, yes.”

“That’s his!”

“Oh.”

Toni turns up to his dad. “Papá!”

He points out the ship. “Them!”

Señor Carriedo steers the ship in their direction and waves acknowledgement to his son.

Toni wraps his arms gently around me and kisses me. “Please stop. You could fall overboard.”

“Stop worrying,” I tell him. “I’ll be fine. I’m just excited.”

“And in the middle of the sea. Just stop bouncing; excitement is fine.”

I relax against him. “Okay.”

Toni kisses my forehead reassuringly and lets go. “You think you can holler that far?”

“Maybe. Probably be a better bet if we were closer.”

“Alright. I think you should be the one to flag him down.”

“Okay.”


	7. English Dickwad With The Sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach Sebastian's ship and Lovi hops aboard to save the day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "English dickwad with the sword" IS NOT England. Just saying. He may show up later but this guy isn't him. He just happens to be British.
> 
> Violence warning? I've never actually fought with swords, so the fight is entirely interpreted by an inexperienced person whose only knowledge comes from Pirates of the Caribbean.

**_~Lovi~_ **

We manage to get up alongside the ship, but it’s been overtaken by British traders who want pirates dead. One of them has my dad in an iron grip, and a sword is pressed to his neck. “Stop fighting or your captain dies!”

I run forward and leap overboard, then use the railing of their ship to get on deck. “Hey, English dickwad with the sword!” I call. I leap up onto the top deck, and the Englishman watches warily as I approach.

Dad’s eyes widen and flick to the curl. “Roma,” he whispers.

I pull the sword that Toni gave me from its sheath at my side. “Let go of my dad, you fucking prick.”

He seems to take me to be enough of a threat; he lets go of Dad and thrusts his sword. I dodge and slash back, and I manage to rip his sleeve and draw some blood. The practices with Toni are paying off, even though I try not to actually hurt Toni.

The Englishman roars and lunges for the kill. I parry him and stab him through, then throw him overboard. The Englishmen start to back towards their ship and run; I’ve proven myself enough to scare them, and I’m guessing that’s their captain.

The ship clears, and the Italian pirates start to cheer breathlessly as the Englishmen flee for their lives. Dad breathes for a minute, then steps up to my side. “Romano.”

I throw my arms around him. “Papà.”

Dad cuddles me and kisses my cheek. “How did you get here? What’s going on?”

I pull back just enough to make eye contact. “You’re gonna hate me, and your brother, and Hayden, and you’re gonna wanna go home.”

“What?”

“Uncle Giovanni killed Mamà and repeatedly beat me half to death and raped me, Hayden did the same without killing Mamà, also I’m extremely gay and I have a Spanish boyfriend.”

It all comes out as one breath, and getting it off my chest feels good. I let go and take a step back. “I’m too scared to stay home. Toni saved my life and is the only person who’s expressed concern about me, so I went with him. He’s been protecting me the past month and he was super mad about Hayden and all them and that shit.”

Dad releases a slow breath. “I’m bi, so I don’t hate you. Also…”

Dad takes my hand. “They’re dead. We’ll kill them, get Feli, and then we’ll sail onto open seas together. Yeah? And where’s Toni?”

I look over towards his ship. It’s pulling away, and Toni is clinging weakly to the outside of the railing. I laugh. “I think he’s clinging to your railing, Papà.”

Dad laughs, too. He leads me down the steps, takes Toni’s hand, and pulls him on board. “You must be Toni.”

Toni blushes, laces his fingers behind his back, and smiles shyly. “I am.”

Dad offers him a hand of truce. “Captain Luciano Vargas.”

“A-Antonio Fernández Carriedo. Everyone calls me Toni.” Toni briefly touches Dad’s hand. “I-I’ve heard you’re a good guy.”

Toni sounds nervous, uncertain. I get the feeling he’s hiding something.

Dad smiles and ruffles Toni’s hair. “Welcome to the  _ White Wolf,  _ son.”

Toni relaxes under Dad’s hand and Dad gets one of Toni’s sweet, real smiles. “Thank you.”

Dad wraps an arm around my shoulders and takes Toni’s hand. “Men, this is my son Lovino and his boyfriend. Harm either of them in any way, you die. Otherwise, welcome them aboard!”

The men surround us, and they all hug me and thank me for killing that English captain and saving their ship. I tell them he shouldn’t’ve threatened my papà, and they chuckle.

I turn to Dad once they’re gone. “Seb?”

“He’s asleep belowdecks,” Dad answers. “He took a hard hit in one of our battles and we had to kidnap him back from the British, but I’m sure he’ll be fine. He’s tough.”

I look to Toni for reassurance. He takes my hand and flashes a smile. “If he’s half as tough as you he’ll be okay.”

I can’t help a smile at that, and it gets a smile out of Dad too. Dad laughs. “Right you are, son.”

A hint of longing and understanding embitters Toni’s gaze, and he looks off into the distance to avoid eye contact. I look to Dad for some kind of consolance.

Dad steps forward and squeezes Toni’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, son?”

“It’s nothing,” Toni mutters. “I’m just tired.”

I tighten my grip on his hand. Dad takes him at his word. “We have room belowdecks; get some sleep. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll watch for trouble. Yeah?”

Toni nods, but he pulls me with him when he ducks belowdecks. He stops once no one else is around, then hugs me and starts to cry.

My arms reach up and around him. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Dad,” he says. “I told him about being bi and he told me to scram. That’s why they took off. I wish my dad was like yours: loving, accepting, empathetic.”

I kiss his cheek. “If he’s gonna be like that he doesn’t deserve you, yeah? We’ll find your brothers and sisters and we’ll sail, and everything will be okay.”

“God, I love you,” it slips. Toni has been avoiding the words the entire time we’ve been together because he feels bad for wanting me, but now it spills because he’s emotional. “Thank you.”

He lets go and dries his tears. I reach up and lay a hand on his cheek. “I love you too, asshole.”

Toni blushes and smiles, and for once he doesn’t answer with any snappy comeback or stupid joke. Instead, he says something genuine: “I’m glad I met you.”

“I’m glad I met you, too,” I agree. “Who else would drive me up the wall and still make me care? Who else would love me?”

He laughs. “I’m sure you’d find someone, tesoro. You’re sweet and beautiful and perceptive; people look for that.”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, sure.”

I gesture. “Go get some sleep. Sebastian is gonna be a bit testy with you; let me talk to him alone first. Yeah?”

Toni nods. “Okay.”

He disappears up the hall. I look around until I find a crewmate. “Hey,” I draw his attention, “do you know where Sebastian is?”

“He’s dyin’ in there,” the man points. “We’re all prayin’ for him to make it out of this alive.”

I thank the man and slide inside. I’m definitely going to take note of his concern on my brother’s behalf.

I sit down next to him. He lies in a bed with his eyes closed, and I close my eyes and sing the softest prayer from the Catholic church. He knows I hate singing in front of people, and I’m partially praying that the archangels will save him, will bring him back to me.

It actually works, to my surprise. Sebastian stirs, groans, and his hand moves over the red wrap over his stomach. “Just let me go,” he mumbles.

“No,” I say. I crawl up and hug him. “I need you.”

His eyes peek open. “Lovi?”

“Sì. I need you. Please.”

He rubs at his eyes and groans. “Ow. Fuck.”

I kiss his cheek. “Please. Stay with me.”

His arms wrap gently around me, drawing me to his good side. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Please.”

He releases a slow breath. “Lovi, I’m dying. That’s not fixable.”

“Yes it is. Magic is real.”

“Ha,” he barks a laugh.

“No, really. Toni’s dad healed me and I’m still alive.”

“Toni?”

I nod. “Antonio. My—”

I hesitate and breathe.  _ Fuck it, maybe it’ll wake him up. _ “—my boyfriend.”

That’s enough. He snaps awake and his eyes open to stare at me. “Your  _ what? _ ”

Heat floods my cheeks and I smile shyly. “You missed a lot.”

“Tell me.”

“Mom’s dead.”

His eyes widen and fill with tears. “What?”

“Uncle Giovanni killed her. Dad wants him dead.”

“And?” he invites me to continue as if he dreads the answer.

I take one of his hands and close my eyes, and I reach deep within myself to find the courage to continue. Magic wells up in place of courage, and I’m able to draw him inside my head. He sees Hayden, he sees what Uncle Giovanni did, he sees Aunt Domenica and Aunt Maria, he sees Toni and Dad and…he sees everything. I don’t hold back even though I want to.

I open my eyes, and he drops from my head as quickly as a pebble sinks in an ocean. Sebastian is quiet for a long time. He holds me to him, breathes, processes what he saw.

I wrap gentle arms around him. “I know you’re hurt, I know. But I need you. You feel me?”

Sebastian starts to cry, and he hides the tears in my shoulder. “I do.”

“Please stay.”

Sebastian draws me closer. “You got me, buddy. Besides, who else is gonna give Toni the brotherly what-for?”

“Seb!” I protest, but there’s little conviction. I’m relieved he’s willing to live again.

Sebastian chuckles. “I love you.”

I dig deep into that magic well I discovered in my heart and lay a gentle hand over the blood. It pours into him, and the cloth falls from his smooth dry skin. I let go and cuddle him. “Don’t ever scare me again.”

“Don’t ever let someone hurt you because you’re scared,” he counters.

“Fair point, but I have you and Feli to worry about and you and Dad to get revenge. What more do I need? I have the world and everything I want.”

He laughs again and kisses my cheek. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

I close my eyes. Sebastian turns onto his side and hugs me with all the ferocity of before and more. “We’re gonna rip them limb from limb.”

“You do that. I’m tired.”

He laughs again, and he holds me to him. “Sleep. I won’t let anybody hurt you ever again.”

“That’s something you and Toni agree on. Maybe you can be friends, or work together, or both.”

“Maybe we can,”  Sebastian acknowledges. “If he proves himself first.”

“Seb! Come on! He abandoned his dad for me!”

“And gave up his virginity,” Sebastian points out coolly.

I shiver. “W-well, yeah, but—”

“Hush,” he stops me. “I won’t harm him, I just wanna talk. Okay?”

“Ugh. Whatever.”

He smiles at me and strokes my hair. “Sleep. We both need it.”

I hug him with all my strength, curl up next to him, breathe him in. The familiarity of my big brother and cuddles is perfect, and all the memories that transfer resurfaced drown in relief and contentment and…and sleep.


	8. Did He Tell You Everything Else?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian tracks their dad down and asks him if Lovi said anything about the rest of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. Rape mentions (graphic mention), abuse mentions. Dad being overprotective and sons protecting him. Toni will be saved in the next chapter.

**_~Sebastian~_ **

I finally found Dad. He’s watching the ocean, and the crew are asleep. I approach silently and take his hand. “Dad.”

He whirls around and throws his arms around me. “Don’t  _ ever _ scare me like that again. No fucking heroics. Promise me.”

I hug him and close my eyes. “Promise. We need to talk about Lovi.”

“What about him?”

“Do you know about—”

“Your mother?” he finishes. “Yes.”

“No. Everything else.”

“What else?”

“You’d know if he did. Look, he used magic to heal me and let me in his head. I’m going to show you what I saw. Don’t tell him it was me, and be quiet.”

“Okay.”

I dig deep within myself until I find my magic, then I lift it up and swallow Dad into my head. Dad gasps softly and tightens his grip on my hand, and I draw him into the memory of what Lovi showed me. It’s enough to overwhelm us both, and he refuses to leave until he’s looked at my mind as well. Then he lets go of my hand.

“Jesus,” he mutters.

“Exactly,” I say.

Dad breathes. “They’re dead. All of them. And if we ever see Toni’s dad, him too. That or we’ll smack some sense into the guy.”

I nod. “I agree. I just figured Lovi didn’t tell you everything.”

“No, he didn’t. Neither did you, son.”

I look away. “It didn’t need to be said.”

Dad hugs me again. “Yes it did. They won’t touch you again, and those English bastards are fucking dead. Roma will kill them for stabbing you if I don’t.”

I laugh a bit. “Yeah, probably.”

“No, he already killed one.”

“What?”

“He killed the captain,” Dad says. “He had a sword to my throat and Roma just sauntered up, told him to let go, and ran him through. Chucked him overboard. That’s how Roma got here, and how Toni got here, and also he scared all of them off.”

“Damn,” I mutter.

Dad shrugs. “He killed the captain. If he knew he’d kill them all.”

“I know,” I agree. “He was pretty pissed.”

“Yeah,” Dad nods, then he turns back to the sea. “Get some sleep.”

“You need sleep, too,” I point out.

Dad sighs. “Son, I’ve been protecting you from my crew. If I sleep, they’ll hurt all of you.”

“You know what, no,” I say. I grab his wrist. “Stop it. Stop being a hero for once. Get some sleep or I’ll cut you open.”

“Sebastian,” he mumbles, “please…”

I lay my other hand on my sword and grab his collar. “Dad. Stop. I’ve heard you crying at night, I’ve heard them hurting you,  I’ve caught glimpses of what they do to you. I’ll kill them all if I have to.”

I shake him a little. “Sleep. I have Lovi, I can get Toni if I must, and I can stab a bitch if I have to. Trust me. Sleep.”

Dad relaxes into my hands. “Son, that’s my job.”

“Your job isn’t to get beaten half to death and raped because you don’t want it happening to us,” I disagree. “Please.”

“No.”

“I’m begging you, Papà. Per favore. Sleep.”

“No.”

“Sleep.”

“No.”

“Dad!”

“No.”

“I’ll wake Lovi up and tell him if I have to. You know he’d be fucking pissed.”

“No, son. Go. I’ll be fine.”

“Dad!” I protest.

“What’s going on?”

I whirl around. “Lovi! Sorry, I wasn’t trying to wake you up.”

“Naw, it’s cool,” he says. “I can’t sleep very well. Erm, night—nightmares.”

I pull him against me and look to Dad. “You aren’t going to win.”

“Win what?”

“He won’t sleep.”

“Dad,” Lovi whines.

“No.”

I take Lovi’s hand and show him what I heard, the little bit I saw: Dad’s split lip, the second mate ramming his cock up Dad’s ass while Dad cried, the screams. Lovi stiffens, and I return my arm around him. “He says he won’t because he’s protecting us.”

Lovi turns a raging bonfire onto Dad. “Sleep.”

His voice is firm and shaky with anger. Dad flinches. “I—”

“No. No excuses. Go sleep. We’ll be fine.”

“Lovi—”

“Dad, please,” I chime in.

“Dad,” Lovi says, and he steps forward, “I’ll rip them apart if they try. I’m done letting shit happen. You go sleep, and don’t be surprised if half your crew is dead by dawn.”

Dad winces. “Lovi,” he protests softly.

Lovi hugs him and starts to cry. “Please, Dad, please. I’m not letting them hurt you, too. I’ve had enough. Please, I’m begging you, sleep. You need it.”

Dad goes limp in Lovi’s arms and hugs him back, and he kisses the top of his head. “This is my job,” he says.

“No,” Lovi snaps. “Your job is to love and accept us, and you’re doing amazing at it. Your job  _ isn’t _ to let people hurt you.”

“That’s what I was saying,” I agree. I step to Lovi’s side. “You won’t win.”

“No,” Lovi agrees firmly, “you won’t.”

Lovi points to the captain’s quarters. “Sleep. I’ll kick your fucking ass.”

Dad flinches, looks longingly that way, shakes his head. Lovi grabs his wrist and drags him inside, shoves him down on the bed and tucks him in. “You’ve always taken great care of us,” Lovi says. “Just once in your goddamn life, let  _ us _ take care of  _ you _ .”

Dad blinks, and his eyes stick closed. He tries to mumble a protest. Lovi kisses his cheek, gets up, and shuts the door. Dad is unconscious in seconds.

Lovi looks to me. “You’ve been through hell.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” I agree before I catch myself. I kick dejectedly at a stray rope.  _ Damn. _

Lovi wraps his arms around my neck and hugs me. “No playing the hero. I’ll beat your ass.”

I laugh. “Who’s younger here?”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. I make the goddamn rules—and we’re gonna get Toni, maybe kill some assholes, and go to bed.”


	9. Getting Toni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi takes Toni and scares some respect into the pirates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Threatened violence? I don't think there's much to warn about here. Mostly angst.
> 
> Lovi sleeps with both Sebastian and Toni (actually sleeps) because he's an adorable smol child. He would never admit it, though. :)

**_~Lovi~_ **

I follow the sounds of Toni’s pleas. “Leave me alone,” he begs as they laugh.

I draw my sword and slip in the room. Toni is backed into the corner by four crewmates, and he’s crying.

“Oi!” I snap. I lift the blade. “He’s mine. Back off or die.”

They don’t move. Toni dives past them and hides behind me.

“This is the only warning you get,” I tell them. “You touch my dad or my brother Sebastian or Toni I’ll rip you apart. I don’t care who you are or who you know. My dad may let things slide, but I won’t. I mean business. You get one warning. Fuck up, you die.”

I take Toni’s hand and leave the room, taking him with me. “We’re staying with Seb,” I tell him. “Expect him to be a little testy, but he doesn’t hate you.”

Toni sticks close to my side. I slip into the room I found Sebastian in, the only one with a large enough bed for the three of us to share comfortably. Sebastian is pacing in circles agitatedly.

I close the door gently. “Um, Toni, this is Sebastian. Seb, this is Toni.”

Sebastian turns around and stops circling. Toni flashes a shy smile and offers Sebastian his hand. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.”

Sebastian moves forward and accepts Toni’s hand. “I could say the same. You hurt him I’ll kill you.”

“Fair enough,” Toni allows. “I could say the same. He’s been through hell.”

“I think we all have,” I mutter.

Sebastian looks to me for a second, then back to Toni. “No offense, but I kinda want to kill your dad. He’s a dick.”

Toni blushes and shrugs weakly at him. “My mom is dead. He’s the only parent I have left.”

“In other words, he’d prefer you talk to him first,” I translate.

Sebastian shrugs. “Dad suggested that, too. But if he won’t stop being a dick and listen to reason he’s dead.”

“If he won’t listen to reason, by all means go ahead,” Toni says.

Sebastian lets go of his hand. “Was she really a witch?”

Toni laughs. “A healer. A good witch.”

“Oh.”

Sebastian gives me a weird look that tells me he wants to talk alone. I shake my head at him and mouth, “Later. It can wait.”

Toni half-hugs me. “You okay?”

I nod, then tell him quietly, “I would hug him because there’s a lot of bad shit he didn’t tell me but I’m not bold enough to make the first move.”

“Tell him that,” Toni suggests.

“What? No.”

“I know I didn’t really get to sibling, but I don’t think he’d have an issue with it.”

“What’re you two talking about?” Sebastian asks.

“He wants to hug you but he’s too anxious,” Toni just tells him the truth.

“Lovi,” Sebastian sighs.

“I didn’t tell you to—”

“Shhh,” Toni stops me. “He’s your brother. It won’t kill you to tell him the truth.”

Sebastian takes my hand and draws me in. “He’s right, you know.”

“I could say the same to you,” I point out. “You’ve kept a lot of secrets.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“I think we can all do better,” I tell him. “You try and play hero I’ll kick your ass. I’ll try and tell you the truth if you return the favor. And you’re not worthless—I would’ve loved to go with you. I love you.”

Sebastian laughs weakly. I wrap tight arms around him. “Promise me.”

He pulls back just enough to make eye contact. “Promise. It was hard on both of us.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” I warn, then seriousness fades to a warm smile. “I missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed you too,” he agrees.

We step apart. Toni takes my hand again.

Sebastian gestures to the bed. “Let’s get some sleep. We’ve got a long few weeks ahead of us.”

He slides under the sheets. I slide in next to him, and Toni slips in on my other side. I take a hand from each of them and close my eyes.  _ Fratellino, we’re on our way. _


	10. ‘Tribute’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi discovers his newfound respect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the "Tribute" flashback scene from Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales". :)
> 
> Little bit of a trigger warning due to Lovi divulging a bit more of his dark-ass backstory.

**_~Lovi~_ **

The man lays a jewel-encrusted sword at my feet with a bow. I turn from the point of the top deck and move up to him. “What’s this?”

“Tribute,” the man answers.

“For what?”

“For savin’ the cap’n, healin’ Sebastian, ’n’ standin’ up to them bullies.”

“How do you know about that?”

“They’re scared of you,” he tells me. “They didn’t just leave you alone, sir. They left the Cap’n alone, they left us alone too; anyone who’s truly loyal to the Cap’n gets hurt too. We respect him so they don’ respect us.”

I blink a bit.  _ I guess I made an impression? _

“’N’ Sebastian’s a good crewmate, we don’ wanna lose ’im,” he continues. “We need ’im.”

“I don’t wanna lose him either,” I agree, “but that’s because he’s my older brother and he helps me not feel like shit.”

He shrugs. “Point remains. Plus you’ve made it clear you’re not to be trifled with ’n’ I don’ wanna get on your bad side.”

I can’t help a small smile at that. “I don't even know your name.”

“Luciano Marcelli,” the man says with a bow. “If you can take on an English cap’n with that flimsy sword and win, you can handle this blade.”

I scoop it up and give it a twirl. It’s perfectly balanced, comfortable in my hand. I like it.

Luciano steps back. “What will you do with the other blade?”

“Give it to Feli, probably. He’s my little brother.”

“How old is he? Eighteen?”

I laugh. “Ten. How old do you think I am?”

“Not sure,” he shrugs. “’Round twenty-one?”

I laugh again. “I’m twelve going on thirteen. Thanks to my abusive family and Toni, I know how to fight.”

“Twelve?”

I shrug at him. “Sebastian was a mistake, a drunk hit-and-run—hence our age gap. Mom married Dad for religious reasons—she’s Catholic and felt like she had to because child-out-of-wedlock and all—then started to fall for him. I was less of a mistake; Feli was a byproduct of love. He’s two years younger than me. So yeah, I’m twelve.”

“Oh. Damn. I hope it gets easier for you.”

I laugh a little. “Yeah, so do I. I went looking for Seb for a reason.”


	11. We Have A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi talks to his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Francis is France. This is on purpose. Country of love, eh? :D

**_~Lovi~_ **

“So now we know who’s loyal and we can dump the rest. But if we do that in Italy, they'll join the Mafia and get worse. So where?”

“France,” I say.

“Why?” Dad asks.

“Because Hayden is scared of the president’s son Francis, because he’s tough on rape—hence if we dump them there and warn him, we’ll be good. Problem solved. He won’t let it continue. We can use restocking as an excuse and say we're staying a few days like a normal restock, then ditch them day two.”

“Sounds like a plan. How are we gonna get close to Francis?”

“Leave that to me—just expect a commotion.”

“Alright,” Dad allows. “Should I warn Luciano, Flavio, Sebastiano, and Lutz?”

“Yeah, and Seb and Toni. I’ll take care of everything else.”

“Okay. Be careful.”

“You, too, Dad.”


	12. Following The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan, so far, goes as planned. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni speaks French and Spanish and taught them to Lovi. I don't know why yet...this might come back up later. Going with the flow. I am actually fluent in French and learning Spanish so...use what you have?

**_~Lovi~_ **

We buy rooms separately, us and them. That way when we leave they aren’t booted from their rooms. We tell them it’s to lessen suspicion, since we’re a large group and we’ll fill the inn by ourselves; they buy in.

Sebastian, Dad and I share a room, and Toni and the loyal crew share a room. Sebastian presses for knowledge of my plan, which I deny him. “You’ll know a commotion when you hear it,” I tell him. “Leave that to me. I promise I’ll be careful. I’ve had a couple weeks to work out the details.”

“You better keep to that,” Sebastian insists. “This is a little dangerous already since we often have conflicts with France.”

“You don’t speak French,” I point out. “Toni does, and he taught me.”

“When?”

“On the way here. He also taught me Spanish. It’s not that difficult; you’d be surprised.”

“What good will language do?”

“Watch me.”

I sweep from the building. Now to take this plan to the gates.


	13. Voleur!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi "steals" and gets chased to the palace. "You'll know a commotion when you hear it"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Voleur" means thief. The rest of the translations will be at the end.

I pick it up and turn to talk to someone behind me. The shopkeeper panics and point much like I expected: “Voleur!” he cries. “Voleur! Ça, c’est la meine!”

I set the bottle down and run. The guards give chase, crying thief after me. I run just far enough and purposely trip. They drag me in the gates, and I run. I run for the garden.

“Allez au jardin!” one of them cries. “Il va au jardin!”

I slide into the garden, and luck is on my side: he’s here.  “Ils pensent que j’ai volé quelque chose, mais je ne l’ai pas fait,” I explain breathlessly.

He calls them off, and I tell him of the dangerous crew, of Dad, of Seb and Toni, of the good crew. I throw in Hayden for good measure and say he’s scared of him because he knows if he met Francis he’d be in huge trouble.

He nods along, remarks that it sounds like my life’s been hell, agrees that Hayden and the bad crewmates are indeed in huge trouble. He asks to meet Toni and the good crew, so I bring him to the inn. Everyone is still there. I point the bad ones out at the bar, then lead him up to the others.

They gather in the hall and greet him, and he tells them we’re welcome here in France and are welcome to return, especially to seek refuge. He says the others will be taken care of, and tells Dad if Hayden ever enters France he’ll be captured and see justice. Dad thanks him.

Toni is shy at first. But once he relaxes, Francis is able to get him talking. “D’où viens-tu?” he asks.

“Espagne,” Toni mumbles.

“Oh!” Francis enthuses. “J’ai toujours voulu venir à Espagne!”

Toni smiles shyly. “Je me risquerais à dire que ce n’est pas tout ce qu’il est censé être. Il y a une raison pour laquelle je ne suis pas là.”

“Il a un mauvaise famille aussi,” I tell Francis under my breath.

Francis laughs. “Ah, je suis sûr que ce n’est pas si mal! C’est un pays d’amour!”

“Pas pour moi,” Toni mutters.

“Oh, je suis désolé que c’est si mal pour toi!” Francis sighs, and he pats Toni’s shoulder. “J’espère que ma chère France sera meilleure pour toi.”

“Merci,” Toni answers with a weak smile. “J’espère que oui aussi.”

Francis side-hugs me. “Bienvenue à France! Je devrais rentrer à la maison pour que mes parents ne s’inquiètent pas—mais n’hésitez pas à visiter quand vous le souhaitez!”

He leaves the inn. I shrug at them. “I told you I had a plan.”

“Voleur?” Toni repeats. “Did you actually?”

“Nope. I put it back before I ran.”

“Ah. Ya veo.”

“Cállate. Ellos no hablan español.”

He smiles weakly. “Te amo, idiota.”

“No, no, no digas eso.”

“¿Por qué?”

“Por que yo dije. Cállate.”

He laughs. I roll my eyes. “Either way. You know the plan, yeah?”

“Sí,” answers Toni.

“Yeah,” answers everyone else.

“’Kay. Let’s get some rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Voleur! Voleur! Ça, c’est la meine!" = "Thief! Thief! That, that's mine!" (I swear that's proper French I speak the language for reals...) (for pronunciations plug these into Google Translate and hit the mic button)  
> "Allez au jardin! Il va au jardin!" = "Go the the garden! He's going to the garden!"  
> “Ils pensent que j’ai volé quelque chose, mais je ne l’ai pas fait." = "They think I stole something, but I didn't do it."  
> “D’où viens-tu?” = "Where are you from?"  
> “Espagne.” = Spain  
> “J’ai toujours voulu venir à Espagne!” = "I've always wanted to visit Spain!"  
> “Je me risquerais à dire que ce n’est pas tout ce qu’il est censé être. Il y a une raison pour laquelle je ne suis pas là.” = I daresay it's not all it's cooked up to be. There's a reason I'm not there."  
> “Il a un mauvaise famille aussi.” = "He has a bad family too."  
> “Ah, je suis sûr que ce n’est pas si mal! C’est un pays d’amour!” = "Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad! It's a country of love!"  
> “Pas pour moi.” = "Not for me."  
> “Oh, je suis désolé que c’est si mal pour toi! J’espère que ma chère France sera meilleure pour toi.” = "Oh, I'm sorry it's so bad for you! I hope my dearest France will be better for you."  
> “Merci. J’espère que oui aussi.” = "Thank you. I hope so, too."  
> “Bienvenue à France! Je devrais rentrer à la maison pour que mes parents ne s’inquiètent pas—mais n’hésitez pas à visiter quand vous le souhaitez!” = "Welcome to France! I have to return home so my parents won't worry—but don't hesitate to visit whenever you want!"  
> “Voleur?” = "Thief?"  
> “Ah. Ya veo.” = "Ah. I see."  
> “Cállate. Ellos no hablan español.” = "Quiet/Shut up. They don't speak Spanish."  
>  “Te amo, idiota.” = "I love you, idiot." ("Te quiero" is literally "I want you", BTW.)  
> “No, no, no digas eso.” = "No, no, don't say that." (AKA Lovi being a tsundere.)  
> “¿Por qué?” = "Why?"  
> “Por que yo dije. Cállate.” = "Because I said so. Shut up."  
> “Sí.” = "Yes." (If you turn the accent on the i the other way, it's Italian. Sì = Italian.)


	14. Lovi And A Sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi is back for Feli!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING. All of these backstory snippets have been mostly clean, just discussed...this one is vivid because it's in his head. So...rape and abuse trigger warnings.

**_~Feli~_ **

Lovi comes running from down an alley and steps in front of me, all breathless and splattered in blood. “Feli,” he greets me, and he holds out a belt with some kind of long pointy leather thing attached. “Either you come with me now or you never see me again. We have to run.”

“What? What’s going on?”

He presses the longer part into my hand. It’s a sword! “Take this.”

“What do I need a sword for, Lovi?”

“Sebastian and Papa insisted you need one,” he pants.

“S-Sebastian? You found him? Is that where you’ve been the last three months?”

He nods a few times. “Sì.”

I blink at him. Lovi glances about. “Look, buddy, I don’t have the time to explain. Bring your stupid German friend if you want, but we have to go. Dad stabbed somebody—this blood isn’t mine.”

My eyes go wide, and I stare blankly at him. “Are they dead?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. They tried to kill me and I really don’t care if they survive. Grab whatever you want to bring and come with me.”

Lovi sounds rushed, and it bubbles up suspicion in my chest. “What did you do?”

Lovi looks taken aback for a second, then his eyes soften. “I’m sorry, Feli. I’ll explain everything later, but if we don’t go now—”

“Ho, thief!”

“Shit,” he curses.

I reach out and take his hand. His palms are abnormally sweaty. “You’re lying.”

Lovi turns to look at me, and now he’s crying. “Feli, please. I don’t want to leave you behind. We can’t come back here ever again. The Mafia would kill us. Uncle Giovanni is dead.”

“What? Why? What did he do?”

“It’s…a long story. He hurt me a bunch. I’ll explain on the run.”

I sigh. “Fine, but it better be a damn good explanation. Give me five minutes.”

“Just trust me,” he says. “It will be.”

I bolt for home, snatch my bags I’d been packing to run off with Ludwig, and race down the streets to Ludwig’s house. He’s outside pacing in circles, and I take his hand. “Lud.”

He turns and gives me a wide-eyed look. “Hey,” he greets me, “do you know what all the commotion is about?”

“Mafia,” I say. “We have to run.”

“Give me a minute.”

He runs inside, and he comes back with his dad and his brother Gil and some stuff. I wave him with me, and I track Lovi back down. He jerks his head and takes off running, and I follow him down some alleyways and up to a giant boat. He waves us towards the two planks connecting the boat to the docks. “Go. I’ll be right behind you.”

Ludwig, Gil, and their dad dive aboard. I look uncertainly to Lovi. “You sure about this?”

He nods. “Get on. I’ll explain on the way.”

I tiptoe up the plank and onto the top deck. Lovi leaps up it behind me, and someone follows him onto the boat. Then he pulls the planks, and the person who followed shouts “Time to go, boys!”

I vaguely recognize that voice, but I don’t know where from. Lovi takes my hand, and he leads us belowdecks. He takes us into a big room with a big bed, and beside the bed circling Sebastian waits.

“Seb,” Lovi says breathlessly. “He’s okay.”

Sebastian turns around, and relief sags his tense shoulders. “Feli.”

He crosses the room and scoops me off my feet. The small bag hits the floor, and I throw my arms as tightly around him as I can. “Sebastian. I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I thought you mighta died,” Sebastian’s voice warbles quietly. “We’re going through a hellish patch right now.”

I bury my nose against his chest and breathe. He smells much the same, just a bit more ocean and less offices and paperwork. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, buddy.”

He releases me back onto my feet and strains a shaky smile. “Welcome aboard the  _ White Wolf _ , tesoro. This is where I’ve been the last seven years.”

“You’ve been gone eight.”

“I didn’t find Dad immediately,” he chuckles. “I wish it was that easy.”

“I didn’t either,” Lovi agrees. “It took a month, with knowing which direction Seb went.”

Now that I’m sort of calmer and Seb is relaxed, I whirl all my energy on Lovi. “Explain. What the fuck is going on. Why do we have to run. What happened. Why is there blood on your shirt.”

My voice is shaky and monotone, and my questions sound more like angry accusations than the inquiries they’re intended to be. Lovi glances down at his shirt. “Uh…”

Sebastian lifts his hands and steps back when Lovi looks to him for help. “This is on you, sweetheart; don’t look to me.”

He turns to the Beilschmidt family. “Follow me; I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Sebastian takes Ludwig and his family and sweeps from the room, which leaves me alone with Lovi. Lovi tries to dart past me, but I’m faster; I snatch his sleeve and shut the door. “Don’t.”

Lovi stiffens. “I—”

I lift my other hand to stop him. “No excuses. Tell me.”

“You’re ten,” he whines.

“Tell me.”

“It’s bad,” he protests.

“Tell me.”

“I’ll start crying,” he mutters as if embarrassed.

“Tell me.”

He fidgets. “I punched Hayden; the blood is his.”

“Who’s—oh. Your friend?”

“Uh…ex-friend.”

“Explain.”

“Feli, please,” he begs, “I don’t want to hurt you and—”

“I don’t care. Tell me.”

I pull him back in front of me and take his hand. “Please. I want to know what’s going on. Why are we running? What are we running from?”

“Dad killed Uncle Giovanni, Aunt Maria, and Aunt Domenica,” he answers while tugging weakly on his hand in escape attempts. “Seb killed Hayden. If we don’t leave they get in huge trouble with a lot of people, the kind of beheading trouble we can’t afford. If you and I don’t go with we’ll never see them again, ever. They’ll disappear.”

“So he’s a murderer?”

He shakes his head, and he starts breathing too fast as if he’d just stopped running again. “No, no, not—he did it to protect me from them, and to protect you. He got revenge for me and protected you because he loves us.”

“Protect us from what?”

Lovi’s eyes go wide. “I-I c-can’t—”

“Lovi. Please.”

Lovi starts to cry. I close my eyes and look away, and I hold tightly to his hand. “Please tell me.”

“I can’t say the words. It’ll kill us both.”

“Tell me. Please.”

He shuts his eyes. There’s a faint tug on my mind, then I’m thrust stomach-flipping through some kind of portal. There, I find myself buried knee-deep in blood, deep in Lovi’s mind. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe, and light floods the bloody dark. Blood-sea-darkness turns into a quiet dark room, Lovi’s room at home. He’s in bed, I’m guessing he’s about four or five. Uncle Giovanni steps into the room muttering about how expensive hookers are, and quietly closes the door.

Anticipatory fear claws at my pounding heart. I’m starting to understand.

Our uncle, Dad’s big brother, someone I thought I trusted, steps forward up to Lovi. “Roma,” he whispers.

Lovi peeks out from under the blankets. He seems to trust him at this point. “Sì, Zio Giovanni?”

He lifts Lovi out of the blankets and hugs him for a second. Lovi hugs him back. “Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah, sleeping’s hard,” Uncle Giovanni answers with a quick kiss to Lovi’s forehead.

_ I don’t understand. What’s going on? _

For a second, the memory honestly seems peaceful. But then it flips on its ear; Uncle Giovanni steals Lovi’s clothes, covers his mouth so he can’t scream, and forces his way inside him. I can feel my lungs expand with a scream—but Lovi’s hand, very real and very warm, presses to my lips. “Shhh.”

Lovi’s real voice trembles. Little Lovi starts to cry, squirms, punches weakly at him. Uncle Giovanni doesn’t let go, and instead silences Lovi by pressing his lips roughly to Lovi’s and fishing around in his mouth with a big meaty tongue. Little Lovi squirms and kicks and fights.

Everything goes white for a moment, and I’m almost back to reality. Then there’s an older Lovi, around eleven. Uncle Giovanni locks the door and shoves Lovi down hard into the bed, and older Lovi doesn’t fight as our uncle shoves deep inside him. He just takes it in silence as the sick bastard I thought I trusted steals everything from my beloved brother, beats him bloody, and leaves him violated and half-alive to drag his clothes on and stagger to the bathroom to take a shower.

Everything goes white again, and this time it’s Hayden. He looks angry. “You’re gay?” he demands.

Lovi flinches. He’s six here. “So what?” he asks defensively, clenching his little fists at his sides.

Hayden drags Lovi by his collar into an alleyway, and he does the same thing I just saw Uncle Giovanni doing: beats him, violates him, and leaves. Shaky little Lovi gets up, pulls on his clothes like nothing happened, and stumbles home only for Uncle Giovanni to do the exact same thing that night.

Then there’s Toni. Someone stabs Lovi, and Toni saves him and sings him to sleep. It’s peaceful. The next morning Lovi begs to go with him because he’s lonely, and Toni rather uncertainly accepts and brings him into his room. He talks to him. He tells Lovi he’s lonely and tired. Lovi hugs him and goes to sleep.

Then there’s Sebastian and Dad. He shows me what he got from Seb’s mind, from Dad’s mind, he shows me the fight with Dad to sleep for just one night.

I’m thrown back into my own head, scrambled and dizzy. Lovi lets go of my hand and covers his eyes, and he’s crying.

I drag in a few shaky breaths. _Oh. Oh._ _Oh my god. Oh my god._

“They—they’re dead, right?”

It’s the only thing I can think to say. Lovi nods meekly.

I leap up and throw my arms around him. “I’m not leaving you alone ever again.”

He laughs, and his voice squeaks with tears like an old engine that’s leaking oil. “That barely touches the surface.”

I tighten my grip. His arms wrap gently around me, and he hides against my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

I dig my fingers into his back and grasp clawfuls of his jacket, and I shove air into resistant lungs. All I want to do is scream, all I want to do is cry, all I want to do is hug Lovi and make him feel okay again. I want to make it all stop hurting. I want to rip them limb from limb and make them feel some semblance of the pain they caused my brother.

Finally I manage to look calm, even though I’m not. I manage to let go and seem okay.

Lovi drops his eyes to my feet. I take his chin and get him to look up. “Never again.”

He nods a couple times. I breathe out slowly.

Lovi goes to step by me. I take his hand. “Hey. Promise.”

Lovi squeezes my fingers. “Promise.”

I let go. He slips from the room and runs.

I take a minute to breathe, then turn and run for Sebastian. I have to find him, I have to uncork this bottle before I explode. I don’t wanna make Lovi feel worse.


	15. After An Hour With Lovi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feli seeks out Sebastian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst...ends with some love. "Please get better, sweetheart. We love you." = last line. :)

**_~Sebastian~_ **

Lovi goes streaking past and throws his arms around Toni, and he starts to sob on his shoulder. Toni cuddles him, kisses his cheek, sits with him and asks what’s wrong. Lovi tells him Feli would’ve screamed, because he slipped into his mind and saw everything.

I’ve started to approve of Toni and Lovi’s relationship. Toni gives, Lovi gives, they both take and give equally. Toni tries to give more, but it’s impossible to keep up with Lovi most of the time.

Feli comes and seeks me out after about an hour with Lovi. He’s wide-eyed and trembling, and I can already tell with one glance at his eyes he’s holding back a lot. I reach out and catch his arm. “Feli.”

The shaking becomes more pronounced. He looks away. “I’m fine.”

“Because shaking and dead-looking is fine.”

Shivers rack his spine. I scoop him up and take him into one of the rooms, and I close the door and sit with him. “Tell me.”

Feli buries a scream in the pillow, then starts sobbing on my shoulder. “I don’t want Lovi to feel worse so I let him go,” he tells me through his tears. “But I’m glad they’re dead. If they survived I’ll kill them myself. I’ll rip them apart.”

“That’s harsh coming from you.”

He punches me, but it’s weak. He’s not trying to hurt me, he’s just emotional. “You would’ve done no different.”

“I  _ did _ no different,” I point out. “Hayden is dead.”

“Good, and let him rot in Hell for the rest of his fucking days,” Feli spits fire, then fire turns to a waterfall and he starts to sob again.

I kiss his forehead and breathe. “I had about the same reaction. I just kept most of it away from him because he’s sensitive about it.”

“I tried to keep most of it inside in front of him,” Feli agrees.

I massage the back of his hand and rest my head on top of his. “It won’t happen again; he’s got us and he’s got Dad and he has Toni.”

“I saw a little of him,” Feli mutters. “He was nice.”

“Yeah, he’s really nice. He told Lovi everything about himself and kept him safe. I’ve gotten used to them now, and I don’t typically approve of people with my brothers.”

Feli wheezily giggles. “Then you’ll hate Ludwig.”

“Eh, he’s alright.”

“I’m in love with him.”

I raise an eyebrow. “If he’s anything like Toni, he’s acceptable.”

Feli presses into me and struggles to breathe. “I’ll be okay. I just need some time.”

“You have all the time you need: the sea is infinite, dear.”

Feli relaxes, and trembling turns to quiet sleepy breath. I wrap him in his blanket and carry him up to Dad’s quarters—they’re the most comfortable—and tuck him in. Dad peeks in and watches.

I slip from the room and quietly shut the door. “He’ll be fine; give him a few days.”

“What happened?” Dad asks.

“That’s Feli,” I nod to him. “And he just saw into Lovi’s mind. He’s ten…and he saw them. At the moment he’s wiped himself out crying, but he also said if any of them survived he’ll rip them apart himself. He’ll probably go through an angry phase, a depressed one, then be okay again.”

“Ah,” Dad clears his throat. “I see. Lovi’s mind is a cesspool of bad things.”

“I agree. Lovi’s with Toni trying to calm down; Feli’s reaction was well-called for but still upset him. He also ended up screaming before he passed out. He’ll be okay.”

Dad nods. “If he’s half as tough as his brothers, he’ll be alright.”

He winks at me. I grin shyly. “Lovi’s the tough one.”

He laughs. “He’s physically tough, but he’s depressed. You’re mentally tough, maybe a little emotionally unstable. If Feli’s half as strong as his brothers, he’ll be alright.”

He side-hugs me. “Go talk to Lovi; he’s more upset than he’ll ever let on.”

He steps up to the bow. “Besides, he seemed to indicate he didn’t want to talk to me for a little after Italy and all that fuss. He’ll listen to you.”

“He loves you,” I assure him, “but he punched Hayden and Feli is upset, so he’s a little emotionally rocky. He’ll seek you out once he’s calm.”

“Sure he will,” Dad dismisses.

“I’ll prove it to you.”

“Mmhmm.”

I slip across the deck to his side. “Hey. Feli’s asleep.”

He turns towards me, and his fingers are twitchy. “Fuck you.”

I reach out and take his hand. “Hey, I may not have had that reaction in front of you but I left the room to try and protect you from it. I had the exact same reaction he did, just away from you. I know you already feel like shit so I didn’t want to make it worse with my pain. I can’t repeat it myself.”

Lovi relaxes a little. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

I draw him to my side and encircle him with my arm. “It’s okay,” I tell him. “What matters is you’re okay in the end. Feli agreed with me on that, too. He’ll be upset a couple days, then he’ll be okay again. Believe me, it’s a rough couple days, and Feli is one to seek out people to complain to unlike me. But once he’s past that, the only thing that will matter to him is preventing future repetition.”

He leans into my side slightly. “I’m sorry.”

I massage his arm with my fingers and hold him tightly against me. “Don’t apologize. They should’ve been the ones apologizing; you did nothing wrong. We’re upset because we love you and we don’t want to see you in pain, not because you’re the reason.”

Lovi releases a slow breath. Toni mutters an assent.

“Also Dad thinks you hate him,” I tell Lovi.

“I don’t hate him,” he says quietly.

“You tell him that; he doesn’t believe me. He thinks he scared you off.”

Lovi mutters some kind of vague acknowledgement affirming he’ll do it later today. Toni says he’ll remind him if he forgets.

I release him, and Lovi takes his boyfriend’s hand. I look to Toni, and Lovi stiffens in anticipation of something defensive or mean. “I suppose you’re halfway decent. Make sure he doesn’t get worse.”

Lovi blinks, relaxes, and half-smiles. Toni nods. “That’s the idea.”

I turn and walk away, and I release my air.  _ Please get better, sweetheart. We love you. _


	16. Roma’s Plight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi finally seeks out his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some serious angst. Abuse trigger warning.
> 
> Feli fluff. Dad and Feli get a moment.
> 
> Mad-sad is a Home reference. The alien movie with to Boov. They label humans as just mad, sad, happy, simple emotions, and one of them realizes it's more complex than that and he describes the girl's depression as mad-sad.

**_~Captain Luciano Vargas~_ **

It takes most of the day, but Sebastian is eventually proven right. Romano seeks me out belowdecks, and once he’s sure we’re alone and he’s closed the door quietly he sits down next to me.

“It’s not you,” he says. “It’s just—we were in Italy a couple days, and Hayden found me again. Uncle Giovanni found me. Before they were gone. It was a rough couple nights. They’re still stronger than me. I avoid people when I’m upset. Toni’s been trying to get me to do it the other way around, like Feli does. He says Feli’s more emotionally healthy that way.”

I shift a little. He reaches for my hand slowly and hesitantly. “He ditched me and told me to talk to Feli, but I can’t. I felt him screaming when I touched his hand, I felt his heart and soul rip in half, I felt his trust in people shatter. That’s not the kind of scar that’s able to be healed. I can’t help him if I can’t fix myself, and to do that…”

Romano looks away. “I don’t even know where to  _ start _ . I just started to get better; a few months away from them and a couple months with you and Seb started to help me trust people again.”

I close the distance and take his hand. Romano grips my hand tightly enough it hurts, and now his voice starts to tremble as badly as his fingers. “They took everything from me, everything I was. Feli felt it, too. I stopped fighting because I stopped caring. I don’t know how to find that again, or where to start looking. I can’t even process my own emotions half the time.”

He shivers. “I got Feli and got out when I did because if I stayed another few minutes Hayden and Giovanni would’ve been back again. I took Hayden’s dagger and ran like hell.

“Feli thought I was acting weird; he’s smart enough to understand what’s normal—perceptive enough to know I wasn’t okay. He’s never seen me right after that, right when my mind is open and my skin is crawling. He got in without me trying to let him in, and neither of us were ready for that. He saw enough, and he only saw the overview; the first time, a recent time, and the first day with Toni. Just that was enough to shatter him, and that wasn’t even one thousandth of it.”

Romano angles his eyes at the floor, and his eyes close a little too tightly. “The physical scars heal. The bruises fade. The cuts turn to scars. The bleach comes back up. But the emotional and mental part of it is an irremovable scar that itches and burns at the back of my eyes anytime I try to talk to people, every time I try again.”

I scoop my son into my lap and lightly press him against me. “Roma, the fact that you  _ acknowledge  _ it sets you apart from the others. The fact that you understand something’s not right with it puts you a few steps down the path of healing, a few steps beyond others in your place and even a step beyond your brother. Sebastian may be stronger physically than you are, but he’s not stronger up here.”

I tap the side of my head. “His mind is scrambled, and he never talks about the things that matter. You’ve gotten beyond him, and that means you can help him.”

Romano looks up at me with tear-pooled mossy-green and gold-flecked eyes, and the faintest hope glows beyond the fear and the pain. “He doesn’t?”

“No. It took him bringing me into his mind to show me what you showed him before I was able to understand just how bad he was, and even then he still won’t talk to me about it.”

I poke his nose with the tip of my finger. “You have hope, you understand there’s an issue, and you’re willing to talk about it: that means you can heal. Broken hearts can’t be fixed like objects—people are more like paper or glass. No matter how much tape or glue you use you can’t put it back the way it was, and no matter how much time or effort you put in that scar will always be there. But you can push past it, understand it, accept it, live with it. You can get better. Perfection is an impossible art, but improvement is always an option.”

Romano relaxes against me. “You really think so?”

“I must not tell lies,” I wink at him.

His eyes light up. “You read—”

“Of course I read  _ Harry Potter _ . Who hasn’t?”

He laughs, and that hope that brightened his eyes a minute ago now laces his voice with relief and readiness. “A lot of people.”

I kiss his cheek. He winces, but that wince quickly melts to a half-smile and a fond glance. He frees his arms and hugs me. “Thank you.”

“That’s my job,” I remind him. “Sometimes you need the reminder that you  _ are _ good enough.”

He giggles. “Yeah, that  _ is  _ your job.”

He slides to the floor and rises to his feet slowly, and determination stiffens his features. “Is Feli awake yet?”

“No, but Sebastian is.”

He nods, then turns and slips from the room. I get up and slip upstairs, and I drop in to actually check. Feli is of course awake now.

I close the door softly behind me and sit with him. “Hey, Feli.”

Feli blinks blearily at me, and he rubs his eyes. “Dad.”

“Sì. I know why Lovi was acting weird.”

His eyes widen, and his whole body lights up. “Why?”

“It happened again.”

“Huh?”

I sigh. “We were in town a couple days restocking first,  _ then _ went after them. We should’ve done it the other way around; they found out your brother was in town. We figured he’d stick to the ship longer than he did, but he went out in town and they hurt him again.”

His eyes grow wide as they can get. “Oh.”

He scoots up, slides from the blankets, and crawls into my lap. “Did you know?”

“No, not much longer than you. I found out about a month ago; Sebastian read his mind after we found him—or, more accurately, after he found us—and showed me what he found.”

He blinks once and stares blankly at me. “Are you mad?”

I flash a smile. “I was for a few days. I was really mad. I mean, not only were they abusing my son, but one of them murdered the wife I fought for years to win over just after I won her heart.”

Feli encircles my neck with his arms. “I don’t know if I’m more mad or sad.”

“Maybe a bit of both,” I shrug. “Mad-sad? I think we both felt that. I mean, Roma’s been through hell and back. I don’t know how he’s as okay as he is, let alone the fact that he started getting better and trusting people again. Toni is a prime example of someone he trusts now that he never would’ve trusted had he met him any other time or any other way.”

Feli nods. “Yeah, I noticed that. That was a damn good way to start a friendship with a nontrusting person like him.”

“Untrusting,” I correct quietly. “Roma’s an untrusting person. Nontrusting isn’t really a word.”

“Oh,” he says, and he giggles. “I’m still learning.”

“It’s okay. You’re ten; you have time. With us, you’ll have all the time in the world.”

“Have you met Ludwig?” he asks.

“Briefly. He seems nice.”

He hugs me to hide his face. “I’m in love with him.”

I hug him and trace Celtic patterns of good luck and faith in oneself on his back. “Whether he’s worthy of that is to be determined,” I tease lightly. “Sebastian and I will have to discuss it.”

Feli takes it for what it is and laughs, and he pulls away to smile at me. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

I grin at him. He curls up in my lap, folds himself small enough to fit, and drops his ear against my chest. “Your heart’s pounding,” he pouts.

I laugh. “Hey, how often is it that a pirate gets to sail with not just one, but all  _ three _ of his sons? Plus I think I managed to make Romano feel better, which is something all parents want to see.”

Feli closes his eyes. “Mom never talked to me, really,” he says almost as if talking to himself. “Lovi kept me away from the others—I think I understand why now. I could get used to this.”

The little ten year old goes limp in my arms. I slip under the blankets next to him, hold him lightly to me, and shut my eyes.  _ I’ve never been so calm in my life. Is this what happiness is? _


	17. I Didn’t Tell Dad Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi seeks out Sebastian for the rest of his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning. Because Lovi is transgender and not transsex (transsex is the physical change), he can still get pregnant.
> 
> Cute flashbacks at the end. Sebastian remembers little-kid Lovi before all hell broke loose and it's adorable. (He smiles and lays a finger on my forehead. “‘He isn’t really gone. He’s always with us in here,’” now the finger moves over my heart, “‘and in here. We’re never really alone.’”)

**_~Lovi~_ **

Dad made me feel better, but I didn’t tell him everything. I’ll tell Sebastian the rest, because he’s strong and I trust him.

It takes an hour to find him. He’s hidden under one of the beds drenched in fresh blood, and he mutters all embarrassed that he tripped and fell on a sword. I heal him.

Now to get his attention. It’s not that difficult: I try to just tell him, stutter a few times, make a sound of frustration, and run from the room. After a minute he gives chase, and I lead him into the big room and hide.

“Lovi,” he says as he shuts the door, “you’re the only thing in the bed. I can see you.”

“I can’t see you you can’t see me,” I answer.

He laughs a little, then crawls across the bed to me and lays a hand on my back. “Sweetheart…what are you running from?”

“Myself, I guess.”

I slip out and turn to stare at the wall. He takes one of my hands. “What’s wrong, buddy?”

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

I turn to look at him. “I got pregnant when I was ten. Coat hangers work but they hurt like hell. They found me again while we were in town. I don’t have coat hangers here, and I wouldn’t have the heart after birth to kill it because it’s not the kid’s fault.”

He gives me a blank look. I look away again. “By the time you’re nine you can get pregnant. I’ve been lucky enough up to this point it only happened once, and I was able to stop it a month in. If it happens again I’m screwed.”

I breathe. “I never learned to talk about my problems, or how. Feli learned somehow, but I didn’t. Toni says Feli’s more emotionally healthy than us.”

Seb is quiet for awhile. “Is he?”

“Apparently. I don’t know how to tell anyone else. You and I established a relationship when I was younger and I trust you, so it’s easier to tell you.”

I wrap both arms around one of his. “They took everything I was, and I don’t know how to get it back. They took my will to fight, my will to live, everything that made me what I was. I don’t remember what it used to be like.”

He breathes and draws me into his lap. “Do you remember the last thing you said to me?”

“No.”

“You were four,” he starts slowly. “I was on the couch late at night and you came up onto the couch next to me, asked what was wrong. I told you I missed Dad. You know what you told me?”

I shake my head. He smiles and lays a finger on my forehead. “‘ _ He isn’t really gone. He’s always with us in here, _ ’” now the finger moves over my heart, “‘ _ and in here. We’re never really alone. _ ’”

His hand falls. “I never forgot that.”

I blink at him. He shrugs. “That’s not the only thing I remember.”

He breathes. “When you were two and a half you started talking.”

“Why do you remember that?”

He laughs. “Because I was the first thing you said.”

“Huh?”

“You only ever wanted Mom, Dad and I to hold you,” he tells me. “You threw a fit if it was anyone else and reached for who you wanted. One day Grandpa tried to hold you, and you started wailing. He asked what you wanted, offered food and sugar and everything.”

He smiles and looks away. “I was in the room next door talking to Mom. You pointed but he didn’t get it, and that’s when you first spoke. ‘ _ Seb _ ,’ you said. ‘ _ I want Seb. _ ’ He laughed and handed you off. You passed out while I was still talking, just because I was holding you.”

A faint smile lifts my lips. He looks back. “I miss that. I don’t know how to bring that back to you.”

I hug him and hide. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. You want me to ask Dad for advice? He’ll probably have a better idea than me of what to do.”

“Sure. I should probably try and talk to Feli.”

He slides us under the sheets and hugs me. “Try and get some sleep. I’ll go when you go.”

I close my eyes and breathe him in.  _ I have to find that playfulness again. I have to try and get better—really, honestly better. _


End file.
